Stepping stones to freedom

I want both of us
To start talking about this great love

As if you, I and the Sun were all married
and living in a tiny room,

Helping each other to cook,
Do the wash,
Weave and sew,
Care for our beautiful
Animals.

We all leave each morning
To labor on the earth's field.
No one does not lift a great pack.

I want both of us to start singing like two
Traveling minstrels
About this extraordinary existence
We share,

As if you, I, and God were all married

And living in
A tiny
Room.

-HAFIZ-

I've been having intense mood swings the past few days. I'm trying to remember Buddhist ways of thought and trying not to depend on things outside myslef to make me happy. Now that I'm back in my home town, Ive been spending alot of time on facebook, flipping through the pictures of people from my past. Accomplishments, accomplishments, accomplishments.... Images intended to portray all that we are proud of- the people in our lives as objects we wish to display, the images of ourselves we cling to in an attempt to define ourselves- attempting to make ourselves worthy of love, a way to belong, a way of security, a way to know.

Ive been back in NY a few days and havent seen any of my friends yet and I'm starting to feel as if I don't belong anywhere. and then my mind jumps to the idea- maybe if I had an intimate partner I would feel loved and a sense of belonging... or maybe when I go to the temple I will feel a part of something, and that my life has some purpose. The thoughts of suicide and self harm flash through my mind, urges. I've come to far to sabotage myself in that way.

I remember feeling this way when I was at a beautiful nature retreat in Thailand. i felt the earth spoke to me and said "yes, you belong here". Remembering that I am a divine human being that is a non-seperate part of the magnificent universe is helpful. I am real and although no one may be there at this moment to remind me of that, I can think of myself the same way I think of others and remember that my life deserves to be respected and cherished.

I just spent the weekend with my mom and dad. Practically every time I see them when we part I leave with a feeling of hopelessness and despair. My parrents are so unhappy. It breaks me apart to see their suffering. My mom is completely dependent on my father. She does not drive, she does not work, she has no friends, she lives her life in fear. She fears people and therefore has limited herself to only associating with me , my father and my Aunt. When I left a year ago to come live in Vermont she lost her only friend. When I told her I was going to New Mexico she broke down in tears. She is near tears most of the time.

My Father also lives in fear. he spends most of the time sitting in front of the television. I know he is unhappy with his life. My mother puts him down all the time and he is often trying to jump through hoops to make her happy. He is passive agressive, he lets all his anger build up inside then he explodes. He tries to control everything in his life (including my mother and I).

When I'm with the two of them the tension is so thick in the room one could cut it with a knife.

For a long time I would try to do anything to make my parrents happy. But after a while i gave up and moved to Vermont. I felt it was unfair that I was dedicating so much of my emotional energy to trying to make things work. I'm still searching to find my role in the situation. A part of me feels that after NM I should move back to NY and spend more time with them. Become my mothers companion again and try to lead her into steps of recovery. But also a part of me is scared to become involved again because i just find it tormenting to be around them in their pain. I felt so many strong emotions this weekend and wanted to escape. I know I should be grateful for all the love they have given me and to cherish every moment that they are alive, but I'm angry at them and really saddened to see how they are living. Am I being selfish? I wanted to live in Cali for a while after NM but I know my mom couldnt take it...

Thanks for all the support!

uhhye vey... I have a big decision to make soon guys and I'm not sure what to do.. I'm really torn.. So here's the story. I applied for this work exchange program at a Zen Buddhist Retreat in Santa Fe New Mexico. I was acceppted. it is a 4 month commitment. You do not get paid but they provide you room and board, you live in a monastery, meditate 3X's a day with
the community and attend dharma talks every week! on occassion you also have one on one sessions with the head Roshis. From everything Ive heard of about the place i think it looks like an amazing opportunity. I really really want to go... It is also possible for them to invite you to stay at the retreat for longer than 4 months but not guranteed.

So here is the issue.. I have a fulltime paid job right now. At times my job is fullfilling, it provides me with happiness and I feel like i make somewhat of a difference in people's lives.. but i'm really ready to move on.. Ive been here a year and I want to learn some new things, meet new people, live in a different place. But if i give up my job here who knows how long it will take me to get another one... I've seen a couple online but it is likely I guess that I could be unemployed a really long time if I leave my job to go to the retreat. It's possible i could put myself in a chosen homelessness position, if i would stick to my pride and not fall back on the option of living with my family.

So part of me wants to go with the ideaology: :"life is all about taking risks!" ANd I have to follow what is in my heart- just go with my gut and things will fall into place...

But another part of me is saying that it would be a huge mistake to leave a paid job in our economic climate, and that i should just tough it out here....

what do you guys think? any advice?

Who was Boudica? Britain's flame-haired 'Warrior Queen' led the Britons in revolt against the Romans in the first century AD. Her name, which means 'victory' in Celtic (equivalent to our modern 'Victoria'), has become synonymous with terror and tragedy.

Boudica, estimated to be somewhere in her thirties at the time, rebelled and as a punishment was brutally humiliated. Tacitus continued: "As a beginning, [Prasutagus'] widow Boudica was flogged and their daughters raped.

Enraged rather than subdued by her punishment at the hands of the Romans, Boudica amassed an army of 20,000 Celts and swept through the countryside.

For two thousand years the woman who led the Iceni tribe against the Roman invaders has been viewed as an icon of national resistance.

I went to an AA meeting today and experienced a rush of traumatic memories. I've found a connection bettween my alcohol abuse and the times that people have taken advantage of me. Every time I've been assaulted has been when I was intoxicated. I treated my body like shit, was defenseless and people treated me the way I treated myself. I'm angry that these people used me at my weakest point. But this has provided a great learning experience.

I'm so grateful that I'm sober now and I will no longer put myself in high risk situations. Now I have greater confidence in myself, I treat my body the way it deserves to be treated and if anyone would attempt to disrespect me I know I will have all my wits about me to be able to defend myself. I also think people will be less likely to try to abuse me in any way because the wont think they can get away with it. yes, i'm powerless, but with that powerlessness comes empowerment and liberation.

urgghh! it has been a while. I am surrounded by beautiful people where I work and live. Both the men and women I work with for the most part are very attractive and they have really delightful personalities as part of thier attractiveness. I havent had sex in years- partly because i havent found someone who has been interested in me and partly because I'm pretty closed off and fearful to start that kind of relationship with someone.

But damn it, it just feels unhealthy to not be able to share all this sexual energy I have with someone. Sometimes I wonder if repressed sexual energy is stored in the body somewhere and manifests itself in other ways if it is not cared for in a healthy way. Maybe this could be contributing to my anxiety disorder? (i'm not thinking freudian either). I could also see how it could lead to one feeling lonely. If you don't have that deeper intimate connection with someone it almost makes me feel like I'm not real, or it reinforces my feelings of unworthiness. Sex to me has so much to do with freedom.

Also it sucks being attracted to women and knowing that they are straight. i get paranoid that my friends here who are women want to distance themselves from me because they are creeped out by my bi-sexuality. Don't get me wrong- sometimes i think i am pretty sexy and if someone doesnt like the fact that I'm bi that is thier problem.

But I really think I'm ready to have a sexual relationship with someone I trust. it would have to be someone who would be understanding of trust issues(PTSD). I know according to buddhist thought I am just indulging in my need for pleasure, wanting , craving, distraction. but there are some things in buddhism that I am conflicted about and the purpose of sexual activity is one of them...

Thats it for my non-cohesive rant about sexual desire :)!

As i'm becoming more and more aware of my thoughts and patterns of living, I'm feeling overwhelmed and at the same time remaining steady. i woke up late for work today and I was intensly panicked, frightened and at the same time talking myself through all of it and making efforts to remain grounded and realistic. i thought of how this could mean this would be another strike against me- possibly leading to loosing my job. I thought of how my co-workers would be reinforced in their thinking of me, that I am a useless, weak link in the organization. I thought of how I would have to deal with people being angry at me. I was fueling the fire in my own head. i then began thinking of how I would react to my co-workers, and my boss. I was angry at the fact that I would have to defend myself. But I also felt that this was an opportunity to take responsibility for my actions. I've lived so many years of my life thinking that I've never done anything wrong and never really needed to appologize to anyone for something I've done because I've never had any intentions to hurt someone. (only on rare occassion). I would appologize to people all the time, for the smallest things though, that I did not need to appologize for. I guess I never really took the time to evaluate what is worth appologizing for and what isn't. what am i trying to get out of an appology? WHen do I have every right to do something and be who I am and when do I know that I have done something that truly takes a toll on someone else or that is inconsiderate?

The AA program has helped me to take responsibility in my actions. I appologized for my mistake to my co-workers and boss, and they didnt seem to think it was a big deal at all. After all of that-

so I went from this state of dread in my day to almost what felt like a "manic happiness" I've never been diagnosed with bi-polar or having a manic episode, but every now and then I get these rushes of happiness/euphoria that make me feel like my life is absolutely amazing. Like I'm on top of the world. But I knew while i was feeling this way that I was disconnected with reality. And now, later in the day my judgements of myself are creeping back in, as well as social anxiety and depression.

I find solace in the image of the Buddha. He has this beautiful delicate smile in the midst of it all. I had a friend once describe me as a rolling rock with smooth edges, that seems to roll along with all the encounters I come across. having this image of myself has helped me alot as well. Life will bring what it will and I just have to acceppt the passing storms in each day, learning from it all and remembering to be in touch with the beauty that lies in every moment.

I dont know what im feeling. i kind of have this numb sensation in my body- like cool air. I feel like cuddling up and staying with it. I feel like isolating, being numb, sleeping and i'm really craving intimacy. i just want to kiss someone for hours. i dont feel like talking. i want to be warm.

I had an anxiety attack today. once again seemingly no triggers. it could have been that I opened up to someone about having an anxiety disorder. I began painting and the anxiety seemed to instantly fade away. As if it is being channelled through my paint brush.

These feelings of no motivation and cravings for intimacy are re-occurring. I wonder what they are about. sometimes i think it is that we as humans do not fit in the world we have created. we are natural beings, we need to flow with nature- reproduce,eat and sleep, care for our babies and hunt. instead we have created this complex world filled with theories, material objects, and technology. Is the problem the power of our intelligence? or are we just not tapping into the part of our intellect that would prove to be the most prosperous?

So i guess I feel that my brain and body are responding to the pressure of the society we have created. maybe if i could just live in the forest, eat some berries and have some sex life would make more sense- i'm seriouly thinking about this option... for real-

5th avenue in brooklyn. Smoking a ciggarette while Gina played with the boy in the bar. The crispy night, melancholy. infinite street lights hung in the hopelessness of a worn tuesday at 2 in the morn. I lingered in the promise of passing cars. Bitter sweet silence of the urban street that belonged to me. Thick tobbacco chains, a straggler melting her, in charming persuasion, a new found cloud to lift the rain takes me up, up and away. Glorious new found love that will only last a day, to fade away, as time and time before. A shadow makes its way around and near. Another beggar to test, the trust your told will get you in the end. But this is a child. He feared to look me in the face. His eyes were kind and full of pain. He said he had not eaten in days. He asked if those were all my friends in there... and no one wanted him... we hugged and he drifted away.. back into the ringing dance of vacant laughter, bodies of steel chambers. Staggering old beer.. If only you knew how lonely we all are.

This is a poem I wrote around my feeling of being in love with someone who is abusive.



Faint memories
a blissful childhood
crispy streamers
purple
silver
celebrations

their preservation
my key
to the decrepit gates
of your brutality
commonality
the innocence of your agony.

Your eyes filled with never used tears
you rather feed the fire
the unworthy blaze

Vulnerability of pain
violent thrusts
make me crave
you seem to know
a lost connection
in my waves

Cheers
never ending praise
photographed graduation days
and the times they thought were erased

Seduced by pain
fear satisfied
there is still another human alive

familiar sighs
in love
swaddled by hopeless rain.

My Beast lies behind the eyes,
hides in the ribcage,
scrapes away at the palms,

This creature is Eroding,

Shameful.
Filthy.

Rushing water
From the depth of space,
flows over the waste.

Comforting,
Non discriminating,
All loving
Water.

Cool,
Soaking through,
Every pore.

The decay,
Floats away,
Without resistance.

Re-birthed,
A hidden treasure,
A child,
Velvet skin,
Silken hair,
Innocence,
My true core.

I have been experiencing a whirlwind of emotion this week but have not let it sweep me away, it has been rather intriguing actually, and at moments blissful to feel such a great amount of pain and appreciate it. I have found some kind of peace in knowing that I do not own my pain, it is the pain of history, of many lives, their stories I have not heard but know intuitively. My pain is the pain of humanity, seeds that have been growing since the dawn of the universe. Is it only I that experiences jealousy, possessiveness, betrayal, self loathing, self absorbtion and fear? Are these feelings the enemy or do they beg to be understood as does terrorism? Can I continue to go on depending on people and things outside myself to take away these emotions? There will come a day when there is no comfort and no reassurance. When my family dies, all friends are gone, no job, I will question: why should I go on to exist? I will be cold and naked. The rain will pour upon me, my stomach will ache, I will be lost in a dark forrest.

 

At this moment of vulnerability May I give into the earth, be caressed by her breath, as it sweeps through the leaves, her strength will ravish my body, the rich soil will nourish my aching heart, I will sob and know her pain runs through me as the beat of a rushing river. It will flow through my depths. The meeting of fear in thunder and lighting will be my awakening. As I tremble in the dark there will be hope in remembering impermanence, for the morning will come, the sun will wrap her arms around me, I will see the many colors of my being in the rainbow. I will know what it means to truly be alive.